Ballardian

+ KILLING CARS

Rich, car-crashing idiot No. 2: Stefan Eriksson.

Over at The Wrong Advices, Dan writes, ‘After watching Eddie Griffin destroy a Ferrari Enzo I was reminded of some of the other times rich idiots have killed beautiful and expensive cars. I’ve put together a list of some of the more memorable crashes.’

My favourite is No. 2:

Car: Ferrari Enzo
Value: US $1.2 million
Idiot at the wheel: Stefan Eriksson - Former Gizmondo Exec
What happened: Crashed into a pole at 199 mph (320.61 km/h). Tried to
blame it on his imaginary friend Dietrich.”

Surely Vaughan’s shaman, Jimmy Dean, should be on this list…

[ via Spinopsys ]

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+ BUMPER HUMPER

Mechanic Chris DOES have a girlfriend — just one of the Sun’s charming photos.

Speaking of idiots and cars, Keith emailed to remind me of this news story, reported a few weeks back in the UK’s bastion of truth, the Sun newspaper, about a man who has sex with cars. Keith says: ‘Not sure whether it’s a joke or not. The guy sounds so goofy talking about his lust for cars that it makes you understand just how artful Ballard’s descriptions in Crash are.’

It’s *got* to be a joke:

MECHANIC Chris Donald loves his work — he has sex with CARS… “Some men like boobs and bums, but I much prefer curvy bodywork.”

Chris, 38, has a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors. He has had sex with more than 30 different models in 20 years — plus two motorboats and a pal’s JETSKI. Chris, who DOES have a girlfriend, confessed: “A nice car for me is a feast for the senses. It’s about smells, feelings and tastes. If I see a gorgeous Mercedes I know I’d love to jump into bed with it.”

His weird obsession mirrors that of electrician Karl Watkins, who The Sun revealed was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.”

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+ PLEASURE SHOPPING

LEFT: Where pleasure is a way of life…

Look what’s just opened for business! The Metro-Centre, no less, billed as ‘the largest shopping mall in the south of the UK. Located at Brooklands, off the M25 near to Heathrow… This is the Metro-Centre where shopping is a pleasure and pleasure is a way of life.’

According to the Centre’s blog:

Want to try alternative types of medicine? Want to see what the healing power of crystal can do to your life? Then get over to the east wing on the second floor to The Crystal World. Featuring a wide variety of crystals, for both decorative and practical uses, The Crystal World could be your gateway to a new existence!”

The Metro-Centre’s only been open for a few weeks, but I’m predicting that pretty soon the blog is going to be reporting a secession that turns the Centre into an anomalous enclave, following a dark and mysterious ‘ad-noir’ campaign featuring a charismatic cable-TV host and a subsequent takeover by paramilitary goons…

The signs are already there: when you click on ‘map’, it says: ‘AT THE REQUEST OF THAMES VALLEY CID, THIS PAGE HAS BEEN REMOVED.’

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+ PUBLIC DISORDER AS ENTERTAINMENT

A Ballardian community?

For a taste of what you can expect when the Metro-Centre does kick off, Mountain*7 informs us that a ‘remarkable set of images, taken from a mini-riot that took place at the Gare du Nord in Paris on the 26th March’ has been uploaded to Flickr:

Apparently the whole thing kicked off after a passenger caught travelling without a ticket was arrested with ‘excessive force’ - there were 9 arrests made and some mild injuries (although the vending machine appears to have borne the brunt of the damage).

There’s a banality to the images somehow, as if the whole thing were a media set; and the sheer presence of so many cameras almost doubles the unreality of the event. We’re so inured to the idea of simulation now that the very mention of it seems superfluous, but this seems to have tipped over into something else, a Ballardian sense of community-through-violence, public disorder as entertainment.”

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+ SERRENIA NIGHTS

Serrenia: layer upon layer of invisible security.

Matteo emailed to direct me to Dan Hill’s mashup of Cocaine Nights and promotional material for the Serrenia project, the waterside development that ’sits where the Red Sea meets the Eastern Sahara, mountain ranges to the west silhouetting the horizon, and beyond them the ancient city of Luxor and the timeless Nile.’

Dan goes on to say:

…can anything in literature be as bizarrely late-period Ballard as the actual Serrenia promo video and website? Is it even for real? Perhaps most of all, this section from the ‘PEACE OF MIND’ section of the website:

“Discreet, effective and efficient security is all part of the Serrenia experience. The security is there, all but invisible, building layer upon subtle layer. The very latest in high-technology protection, ‘laser’ fences, detect movement and 24-hour CCTV monitors constantly. Even after having been granted access to Serrenia through the main Sahl Hasheesh gate, visitors will still have to pass through one of the three main entry gates. The Hotel and ‘exclusive zone’ will be controlled by another security layer each with extra gates. Finally access to Palace Island is regulated by an additional layer of security and another gate. Experienced professionals, recruited from across the world, have given their expertise to create a secure haven, and to supply the most unobtrusive of safeguards, while all staff are rigorously vetted. Highly trained personnel are available at all times to offer support, though chances are you’ll never even know they are there, to guarantee your safety and freedom, so that you can enjoy the luxury of protection without feeling confined.”

One’s tempted to say “you couldn’t make it up” except that, essentially, Ballard already had.”

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+ THE CAR CRASH AS SEDUCTION TECHNIQUE

LEFT: Robert Maitland, eat your heart out.

And finally, via Rodcorp, we learn that Paul Thorp — a real-life Maitland from Ballard’s Concrete Island — is in the news again:

“Anyone who’s driven on the M62 between Manchester and Leeds will have seen the farm in the middle of the motorway and wondered: what’s it doing there? And is it, as most people believe, a monument to stubbornness?
…
Its sole occupant is Paul Thorp, a sheep farmer with just his dogs for company and 2,000 acres of land. Living 20 yards from the fast lane has its ups, downs – and near misses - as Paul reveals.

“It has its moments. We’ve had a few visitors over the fence. They’ve put a crash barrier up to stop ‘em, but before my time a wagon came through knocked the wall down landed on its side touching the garden wall. We’ve had plenty of accidents wagons and cars stuff coming through fence not that often but enough.”

…making Stott Hall Farm attractive to the opposite sex has proved difficult… Paul admits it can be a lonely place: “I guess you don’t want to be on your own all the time. It’s just a bit of a bleak place to bring somebody out in the wilds, all that traffic round you, and you’re a long way from anywhere – two miles from the nearest village. The postman only comes to the bottom of the hill and some days you won’t see anybody except those zipping past on the motorway – apart from people ringing you might not see anyone else to talk to.

“I just need someone who likes the outdoor life to have a breakdown outside and then come round!”

Paul, we have just the lady for you…