+ THORACIC DROP: < Deposit > news appropriate to this site.

+ AUTOGEDDON: Subscribe to Ballardian & receive automatic email updates

Why I Want to Fuck Donald Trump

Author: • Mar 5th, 2016 •

Category: America, celebrity culture, Donald Trump, dystopia, features, Lead Story, politics, sexual politics

trump hotel

Based on ‘Why I Want to Fuck Ronald Reagan’ by J.G. Ballard.  Update: Peter at Unrealised Gains writes to say that in September 2015 he was the first to publish Ballard’s original story with “Trump” replacing “Reagan”. Although we were not aware of Peter’s post at the time, we acknowledge his prescience in divining the Ballardian implications of a looming Trump presidency six months before we did.

The following is excerpted from the Official Republican 2016 Presidential Survey, conducted by the National Republican Congressional Committee, PO Box 2837, Washington D.C. 20013.


trump crash

Numerous studies have been conducted upon patients in terminal paresis (G.P.I.), placing Trump in a series of simulated auto-crashes, e.g. multiple pile-ups, head-on collisions, motorcade attacks (fantasies of Presidential assassinations remained a continuing preoccupation, subjects showing a marked polymorphic fixation on windshields and rear trunk assemblies). Powerful erotic fantasies of an anal-sadistic character surrounded the image of the Presidential contender. Subjects were required to construct the optimum auto-disaster victim by placing a replica of Trump’s head on the unretouched photographs of crash fatalities. In 82 percent of cases massive rear-end collisions were selected with a preference for expressed faecal matter and rectal haemorrhages. Further tests were conducted to define the optimum model-year. These indicate that a three-year model lapse with child victims provide the maximum audience excitation (confirmed by manufacturers’ studies of the optimum auto-disaster). It is hoped to construct a rectal modulus of Trump and the auto-disaster of maximized audience arousal.

Motion picture studies of Donald Trump reveal characteristic patterns of facial tonus and musculature associated with homo-erotic behaviour. The continuing tension of buccal sphincters and the recessive tongue role tally with earlier studies of facial rigidity (cf., Adolf Hitler, Nixon). Slow-motion cine-films of campaign speeches exercised a marked erotic effect upon an audience of spastic children. Even with mature adults the verbal material was found to have minimal effect, as demonstrated by substitution of an edited tape giving diametrically opposed opinions. Parallel films of rectal images revealed a sharp upsurge in anti-Semitic and concentration camp fantasies.


trump sex

Patients were provided with assembly kit photographs of sexual partners during intercourse. In each case Trump’s face was superimposed upon the original partner. Vaginal intercourse with ‘Trump’ proved uniformly disappointing, producing orgasm in 2 percent of subjects. Axillary, buccal, navel, aural and orbital modes produced proximal erections. The preferred mode of entry overwhelmingly proved to be the rectal. After a preliminary course in anatomy it was found that caecum and transverse colon also provided excellent sites for excitation. In an extreme 12 percent of cases, the simulated anus of post-colostomy surgery generated spontaneous orgasm in 98 percent of penetrations. Multiple-track cine-films were constructed of ‘Trump’ in intercourse during (a) campaign speeches, (b) rear-end auto-collisions with one- and three-year-old model changes, (c) with rear-exhaust assemblies, (d) with ISIS child-atrocity victims.


The genitalia of the Presidential contender exercised a continuing fascination. A series of imaginary genitalia were constructed using (a) the mouth-parts of Hilary Clinton, (b) a Cadillac rear-exhaust vent, (c) the assembly kit prepuce of President Obama, (d) a child-victim of sexual assault. In 89 percent of cases, the constructed genitalia generated a high incidence of self-induced orgasm. Tests indicate the masturbatory nature of the Presidential contender’s posture. Dolls consisting of plastic models of Trump’s alternate genitalia were found to have a disturbing effect on deprived children.


Studies were conducted on the marked fascination exercised by the Presidential contender’s hairstyle. 65 percent of male subjects made positive connections between the hairstyle and their own pubic hair. A series of optimum hairstyles were constructed.

trump hair 1

trump ponytail


trump golf

Fragments of Trump’s cinetized postures were used in the construction of model psychodramas in which the Trump-figure played the role of husband, doctor, insurance salesman, marriage counsellor, etc. The failure of these roles to express any meaning reveals the non-functional character of Trump. Trump’s success therefore indicates society’s periodic need to re-conceptualize its political leaders. Trump thus appears as a series of posture concepts, basic equations which re-formulate the roles of aggression and anality.


trump breast

The profound anality of the Presidential contender may be expected to dominate the United States in the coming years. By contrast the late J.F. Kennedy remained the prototype of the oral object, usually conceived in pre-pubertal terms. In further studies sadistic psychopaths were given the task of devising sex fantasies involving Trump. Results confirm the probability of Presidential figures being perceived primarily in genital terms; the face of L. B. Johnson is clearly genital in significant appearance – the nasal prepuce, scrotal jaw, etc. Faces were seen as either circumcized (JFK, Khrushchev) or uncircumcized (LBJ, Adenauer). In assembly kit tests Trump’s face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of Donald Trump.

Based on ‘Why I Want to Fuck Ronald Reagan’ by J.G. Ballard.

trump hair 4

Find all posts by

Older: «

8 Responses »

  1. All attempts at pop-kulture parody now follow the corporate-sanctioned “SNL®”, Conan/Kimmel/Maher, Geico/Progressive/Allstate model of snarky hipster-giggle Irony. This weak & neurotically distancing lil’ poot, schmeared heavy with “Trump as the new Shatner/Chuck Norris” and obviously written by a millenn, is no exception. JGB’s original piece has a surgically precise prescience, a luminous stake driven into dark ground at the crossroads of pop toxicity and politico-sexual terror. This bourgeois toss-off has smug calculated chuckle&repost at its core, much like its generation. Looks like the bratty-bunch vocalfriers have finally infested Ballardian.

  2. LOL. “Obviously written by a millenn”, you say? Apart from the name change from “Reagan” to “Trump”, it’s virtually Ballard’s original text word for word.

  3. His supporters don’t want to fuck Trump. They want to fuck their country, and the world. Normal sex isn’t on their pathological wee minds. Huge misreading of them, and misappropriation of JGB’s original satire.,

  4. agreed!

  5. JGB co-opted into giggly hipster man-bun irony, similar in “hilarious” schtick to “New Rules” or Fallon or Kimmel… the core of culture has been hollowed & poisoned to make sure aging millenns always feel they’re in on the corporate military-generated media-gag that created them.

  6. Donald doesn’t care what you say or write about him, just as long as you are saying something and writing something about him. Counterculture humor works on pigs like Trump about as well as a taser on a dead person. We have reached the point in our culture where we need to get back to sticks and stones when it comes to the venal, atavistic psychopaths who manage to grab the wheel and who are intent on driving civilization into a fucking brick wall. Letterman, Stewart, Colbert and the guys who write for the Onion are all court jesters. You want to get rid of the king? There’s only one way, and we all know what that way is, because history has given us more than enough examples.

  7. […] of the minor characters in the exhibition saga (Kennedy and Johnston become Clinton and Obama). The updated work loses none it’s insightful qualities which emphasize the ‘anal-sadistic’ […]

  8. Like all bullies, Trump is a weakling; all bluster. Putin elected him exactly for that reason. Maybe you actually thought Trump was the only casino owner with no ties to organized crime?

Leave a Reply